in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
