Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
