I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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