Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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