so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
