He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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