If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
