sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
bring money and cleavage
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize