there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
She's the barista slut.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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