Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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