I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
