I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
