Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She announced her abortion via fbk
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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