During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
