I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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