he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
