He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I FOUND THE LEGS
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
