Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
