she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
