Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
