Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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