Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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