i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
