420 ftw
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize