so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
