Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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