All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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