I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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