I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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