You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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