I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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