My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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