Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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