dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
