i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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