if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
