i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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