im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
