There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
