I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
