If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
