College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
