Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
