I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Ketchup is God's man juice
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
