Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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