i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
