I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
