Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
