A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
