is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
