her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
