Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
