if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
