I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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