I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
