the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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